AP Baby

Pondering Bella's first three months, I realized that I feel like I *lost* her first six weeks.

Because I know now that she was suffering and hungry due to my low milk supply, that's all I remember and all I can see in my brain when I think of that time. It makes me want to cry to think of it, but I just keep thinking about all the things we were doing; spacing feedings out (arggghhhhh), letting her suck on our fingers because she wanted to suck all the time (arrrrrrghgghhhh!), etc. It is horrible to say, but I've lost the magic of her early newborn period. All those days sitting and nursing and watching Grey's Anatomy on the PC during endless nursing sessions is gone for me, obliterated by my knowledge that she was suffering then even though I didn't know it.

Even though she only cried if I put her down... even though she was so alert and seemingly happy when she was awake... even though she seemed so strong... looking back at the photos, what I see is her *skinny* and hungry. What I remember is doing all the wrong things when in the back of my mind, my mommy instinct was sounding alarms. I remember asking my husband for reassurance and him reassuring me that she was strong, was happy, was ok... (totally not his fault! She did seem strong and happy and ok!)

It's absolutely not fair.

I don't know why, of all the breastfeeding problems I planned for, researched, thought about, low milk supply was the last thing on my mind. I don't know why none of her care providers spotted it or suggested I discuss it with my LC. I don't know why the LC didn't spot it! I'm angry and hurt and confused and just don't even know what to do with myself really.

And I feel like those days and those memories are largely lost to me, because 30 years from now what I will remember are my mistakes as a mother, and that I didn't give her what she needed right away, and that my baby was unhappy and hungry. This is really not out of a desire to beat myself up. It's just reality and I don't know how to make it be anything other than what it is.

I hope if there is another mama out there reading this, nursing her baby at 3am and wondering if she is getting enough milk for her baby... I hope you can be proactive about it and look to the scale. Don't trust the opinions of other people; if alarm bells go off in the mama brain, they are going off for a reason. The scale is the gold standard of milk supply. All the other indicators of baby getting enough milk don't mean a thing if your baby isn't gaining weight!

I wish I'd supplemented sooner, addressed the whole problem sooner, and maybe my milk supply wouldn't be so low now. Supplementation is *not* the end of the world in comparison to a hungry, suffering baby! Formula is not breastmilk, but it's also not poison. I would never choose to use it, and, no offense, but I cannot imagine anyone *choosing* formula... ugh, the awful smell of formula burps alone is enough to turn a sane person off the stuff... but I'm grateful that it exists for those babies who need it, like mine. I wish I'd been less scared to supplement, less scared of formula, and remembered the very first rule of breastfeeding: FEED THE BABY.