AP Baby

I started counting through the contractions; bent over the counter in the bathroom, I would take a deep breath in and release it slowwwwly to the count of ten. It helped me to focus on the numbers and on exhaling slowly, trying to make one breath last for the full count and contraction. I was surprised and a little confused by the fact that I was feeling the contractions so low, horizontally across my pelvis. I didn't feel them in my belly at all, although my belly was tightening with them. The discomfort was all low through my pelvis, and felt like... *stretching*, like I was being stretched apart at the hips.

I think I woke Charlie up at around 5:30, and asked him to time my contractions. Mostly I was just feeling lonely and wanting the moral support, though. Also a little scared and excited to finally be approaching the end of my pregnancy! Charlie was so cute, getting out a pad and writing down the times of my contractions, duration, etc.

We waited until around 8:30 to call my midwife. She asked me if I were feeling rectal pressure? Well, yeah! (Although I had no idea HOW MUCH rectal pressure I'd be feeling later!) I said yes, and she told me she and her birth assistant were on their way. I felt nervous, like I'd called them too soon and they'd wind up sitting around for hours and hours. But it's amazing how in my mind, the time was flying by. I went into the bedroom to try to lie down; I was *so* tired and sleepy, I had gone to bed at around 1ish and got up so early! I laid down on my side in the bed and Charlie read me one of my Hypnobabies scripts. I felt so relaxed and floaty for a few minutes, and so relieved, like OH thank goodness, my hypnobabies is going to give me a pain free birth! No. No such luck. My contractions had just taken a little pause, and when they returned I quickly realized that lying on my side was BAD and made them much more painful.

My midwife arrived at around 10:30 or so, and began bringing her birth supplies into the bedroom. I was astonished how much *stuff* she had. I knew she'd come supplied, but it really was a lot of stuff! She examined me and we discovered I was only about 4 cm dilated. I was 100% effaced and the baby was low, though, so things were definitely moving along.

I moved out into the living room and sat on the birth ball for a while; during contractions I leaned over a tower of pillows we'd built on the couch and tried to relax as much as I could, doing my deep breathing and counting still. I never really was able to get deeply into hypnosis or turn my switch off as per the Hypnobabies course. But I do think this helped me relax a lot. I spent the rest of the day alternating between the ball, walking around, and leaning over in the bathroom. For some reason that wound up being my favorite place to be; I put a pillow on the bathroom counter and leaned over on it and would move my hips through the contractions while I did my ten counts and deep breaths.

Later, a friend of mine called to check on me; I was, by that time, 7 cm dilated, and my midwives were telling me that it was amazing how calm I was. I was able to chat on the phone with her and sound perfectly fine; well, I felt pretty fine in between contractions!

I know I'd been in our birthing tub a few times during the day, but I remember getting in the tub as it was starting to get dark out, and floating and trying to relax. I really expected more pain relief from the water. I *love* water and am usually so relaxed in water. But it really did not feel easier in the water, except that it was easier to move around. I stayed there for a while, with Charlie leaning over the edge and holding my hands, talking to me and giving me sips of juice.

At this point the contractions were getting harder to focus through, and I decided I wanted to get out of the tub. (Which is a bummer, as I'd kind of wanted a water birth.) I think I went into the bathroom to pee and never made it back to the tub. I wound up staying there, sitting on the toilet between contractions and leaning over the counter during them. The birth assistant and my doula kept trying to get me to sit on the toilet through contractions, but I couldn't do it... the intensity went way up when I did that. I think at this point I was starting to go into transition, and transition for me seemed to last a really long time. Contractions in the bathroom were getting incredibly difficult and I was starting to get really scared. I'm pretty sure that while I was in the bathroom, my midwife started telling me to try some pushing, to help move the baby down. Pushing *hurt* though, I did not like it and did not want to do it!

After a while, my midwife coaxed me into the bedroom and convinced me to lie on my side. I really, really did not want to! It made the contractions *so* much more intense, so intense I couldn't focus through them at all, and I started crying and panicking. I remember them squirting rescue remedy into my mouth, which tastes awful, and me barely noticing. Charlie was lying next to me on the bed, but had faded into the distance. I couldn't really *see* anything anymore, just kept asking my midwife not to leave me. (Like she would!) I would try so hard to focus through a contraction and then partway through just dissolve into sobs from the pain.

I got very very scared and started to really focus on "I can't do it" thoughts, which is normal during transition, but I wish I hadn't gotten so deep into that mode. I started asking for pain meds! I did *not* ask to go to the hospital, because I knew that unless there were an emergency, there was no point; for an epidural I'd have to go to my midwife's hospital, which was 45 minutes away. No way could I have handled the drive. And she'd told me her backup OB won't allow first time moms to labor with such big babies (my last sonogram had estimated baby weight at 10lbs), so if I went... it would be for a c-section, period. So I did not ask. But I did ask for drugs! Things started happening very fast in here somewhere. I remember hearing the midwife asking my doula to get the baby blankets ready in the dryer, and then they were telling me to push. I hadn't really felt an urge to push yet, at least not in the way I thought I would. Pushing did not feel like a relief, as I'd heard so many women describe it. It was *excruciating.* I really was blown away by how much pushing hurt.

At one point they had me get on hands and knees to push, and my water broke, and I was just dimly aware of this *flood* of fluid in my bed.

I kept saying, "I can't," and the birth assistant was kind of yelling at me a little. "I don't want to hear that." I don't remember what else she said, but she actually made me feel really bad. I could've really used some encouragement instead of her being critical over the way I was handling things.

I started begging. Please, make it stop. Please help me! Cut her out! Anything! Seriously, I was in a bad place with the pain. Completely out of my head. I remember my midwife coming over and whispering to me that I was almost done, to breathe, that she could see my baby's head and my baby had dark hair and I needed to push her out. I keep hearing that "She has dark hair, JoAnna, push her out!" I literally felt like I was pushing out a bowling ball covered in razor blades. I remember thinking that it felt so DRY, like I needed lube on that big baby head! The BA (birth assistant) was the one assisting me and poured olive oil on me and I shrieked; it felt like someone poured boiling battery acid on me. My tissues must have just been so sensitive by then that this thing which was supposed to be soothing, and help me stretch, felt HORRIBLE, and I begged her not to do that again. My midwife at some point here handed me her pulling thing; almost like a big dog toy, handles on either end and sort of bungee stuff in the middle to help me focus to push. That helped a lot. The birth assistant was putting her finger on my perineum and telling me, "push THERE JoAnna," and I finally started getting the hang of pushing, but I was shrieking in between and begging for breaks in between pushes. It just hurt so much, and I kept thinking if I could just just catch my breath, I could get a handle on it. But it was happening too fast.

They told me to reach down and touch my baby's head, which was starting to emerge. I said I didn't want to, I just wanted to GET HER OUT. At some point I did reach down and touch her though, I just don't remember when exactly. I kept pushing, and after I pushed, each time, I was astonished she wasn't out yet. I was pushing *so hard!* I was trying so hard! Why wasn't she OUT? (Turns out, the baby was coming down at a slight angle, not quite straight on, so it was taking a little bit longer than normal. This was part of why the midwives had me pushing on my back, legs back, to help her get around my pelvic bones.) I kept pushing, and shrieking in between every push. I don't remember her head coming out, is that awful? I don't remember the moment, but I do remember thinking "Her head is out, so now it is dangerous! Get her OUT!" I just remember getting scared suddenly of my baby being hurt and wanting her out fast. I pushed as hard as I could, and... she spurted out, *flew* out, onto the bed. The BA immediately lifted her up onto my tummy and I was covered in warm, wet, squirmy baby.

I was astonished!

You know the pain gets so bad, that you almost forget that it is all about a baby!

But there she was on my belly, squirming, crying, in my arms.

My midwife went to work immediately, covering us with baby blankets. I just kept staring at the baby in total awe, and don't remember the order of things happening here. I remember her showing me the thumper; it's this little thing with a styrofoam type of head that they thump the baby with to help them pink up. She showed it to me and hit me with it to show me what it felt like, and then thumped the baby with it all over. Listened to her heart. I don't recall them suctioning her at all; she did pass meconium as she came out, but not from distress, just from the pressure of my body around her. I just kept kissing her and staring, and looking at Charlie.

Suddenly I noticed the most awful burning sensation coming from my nether regions; it was her cord, pressing against all that swollen tissue. The cord was *just* long enough for her to be on my belly, but was pressing firmly against me, and the burning was becoming unbearable. I kept reaching down and trying to move it, and finally I asked the birth assistant to cut the cord, as it was so painful. The cord was no longer pulsing anyways. So Charlie cut the cord, and I was able to move the baby further up on my belly. I vaguely remember the placenta being birthed, which also stung. Everything stung by then! The placenta was nice and plump with only a little calcification due to its being a 42 wk placenta!

I gave the baby to my husband to get her weighed and let them finish up their exam of her, as I couldn't focus anyways while I was being stitched. Stitched, yes, as my vaginal walls ripped on both sides. No wonder I felt like I was ripping open. I was! The stitches did not hurt a bit though; a moment of sting with the lidocaine, and then nothing. The baby weighed 9lbs and 4 oz. I don't remember when I first tried to nurse her, but it was really early, and she did latch on tentatively.

I have such mixed feelings about my birth. I'm so glad I was home, and I felt very comfortable being home. I never felt unsafe in any way. It just felt perfectly normal to be home for this process. But my midwives really did not provide the support I needed. I felt so awful about how I'd "done" I just wanted to cry about it. I think I actually didn't get the "high" other moms get after birth because I just felt like I had done horribly. When the BA came for our 72 hour check up, she told me I'd been amazing, awe-inspiring, wonderful, I'd done so great.... well it would've been fantastic to hear that *during* my birth. She said she was giving me "tough love." That just didn't work for me, it just made me feel bad.

I also felt way over-managed from the time I went into transition through the end. I did not want to get on my side, I did not want to birth lying on my back, and yet I let them bully me into doing those things. I even remember saying "I feel like I'm pushing uphill." It's just not what I wanted to do. I can't help but wonder if I had done it the way I wanted to, if I wouldn't have torn so badly? I honestly think that I just called them way too early and that they were eager to leave, so they were pushing me to move things along when my body wanted to do it more slowly. (Although I've heard from another mom since that they were pushy during her birth too. *sigh*)

I will say that now that I've had time to process it, I am really proud of myself. I birthed a nine pound baby at home, totally drug-free! That is amazing. I learned a lot from this birth and hope to have another homebirth in the future, if I ever get up the nerve to have another one of these amazing little creatures!