11 Months....
Bella is now almost 11 months old. It's hard to believe, the time has really flown by. I am such a different person than I was 12 months ago! One year ago when she was still safely in my belly and I was so looking forward to having her. Now, I cannot imagine life without her.
I have been planning to discontinue using Domperidone at the year mark.
I hate that it is making me hold onto so much weight, I really would like to get in some semblance of shape. (I will always be fluffy, but right now I'm ridiculous!) But I'm torn because I still love nursing my baby *so* much. She doesn't nurse very much during the day anymore. But during nakey baby time before bed, I take my top off and lie in the bed next to her while she plays with her little toys. She will frequently stop, climb on top of me, nurse for a few minutes, stop, play some more, nurse some more. It is amazing. Her little body pressed skin to skin with me as she nurses is one of the most amazing things I've ever experienced. The bonding, the closeness, is incredible.
But. Of course, no one ever said nursing a baby would be a bed of roses, and it is not. Sometimes she refuses a bottle and just wants to nurse while she is falling asleep. And nurse, and nurse, and nurse. My breasts start to hurt pretty quickly because there is so little milk, so frequently I find this excruciating. Also, by the time I'm putting her down to sleep, I'm really ready for a break. So I frequently feel like... "Please, just let go of me!!!!!"
Stopping the domperidone will almost certainly be the death knell for the very small supply I have left. I just don't know if I'm ready. Sometimes I feel ok about it, sometimes not. If I knew Bella would continue to nurse for comfort, it wouldn't be so bad. If I thought I could maintain even just a few ounces a day, it wouldn't be so bad; at least then she'd still get some antibodies!
I'm also considering the possibility switching from the dom to shatavari, which many low supply moms have had success with. I just don't know anymore. I don't know how much is worth it. I'm still spending $50 a month to rent a hospital grade breast pump (which I could've bought by now, and perhaps I should've!). The pumping is annoying and I don't even know how helpful it is anymore. I just feel completely at a loss.
Overall, I'm incredibly grateful for the nursing relationship I've had, I just don't want it to end. And I really want, if I can, to let other moms know that even if they have a problem with breastfeeding... and by that I mean a chronic problem that isn't going to go away or be solved... that you can STILL have a beautiful breastfeeding relationship with your baby. And, that it is worth it. I don't regret a second of the literal blood, sweat and tears I've put into this.
I am rambling now, just getting my thoughts out. If anyone has any feedback or input, please feel free to share!