WMITWA...
The Worst Mama in the World Award Goes to... ME!
Bella is ok, now. But for a minute there... not so much.in my brain on an endless loop?
We were packing up stuff from our old house to move to our new house this weekend. One of my friends came over with her little boy (three weeks older than Bella) while we were packing things up. Very distracting situation. The kids wanted outside, even though it was cold and wet, and inevitably they discovered the moving truck with big ramp going up and down. We were walking them up and down the ramp and they were having an absolute blast! Then Charlie's dad grabbed Bella's hand and was walking her up and down the ramp. My friend asked me for a tissue for her son, whose nose was running. I turned my back and took two steps to grab her a tissue when I heard my FIL scream "NO", and then I am not sure what I heard. Bella had fallen off the back of the truck. I ran out and grabbed her up into my arms, ran back into the house assuming we'd have a good nurse and cuddle and check for bumps and bruises. As we walked into our living room I realized her face was frozen, mouth open in a huge O, a silent scream, no air moving one way or the other. I started saying, "Bella, BREATHE," and gave her a little shake. No breath. No breath. Then her eyes closed, her body went totally limp, totally totally limp, little face turning blue. I smacked her cheeks gently and yelled, BELLA BREATHE. Nothing. Nothing nothing, limp little one in my arms. I told my husband to call 911. I asked if my friend knew CPR, she did not. I started doing mouth to mouth, no resistance, my breath just filling her up. Three breaths? Four? And then she was screaming and I started crying, my heart, oh my god, almost lost you there my girl! Screaming and screaming and screaming! Screaming until the paramedics arrived, screaming while they checked her, finally calming down a tiny bit after we strapped her into the carseat in the ambulance.
Finally at the hospital, stupid bitch nurse, why do I always get the bitchy nurses? Wanting a rectal temp, and that stupid O2 monitor, arggghh, Bella just freaking out the whole time. The doctor was nice but seemed very cursory, like this whole thing was no big deal. Said that Bella just "got the wind knocked out of her." Everything checks out fine, she is fine but cranky/sore/tired today. We wound up staying over in Hagerstown about an hour into our drive back; I was just too exhausted to keep going and Bella was so out of sorts. I couldn't fall asleep though, just kept replaying that moment in my mind, when her eyes rolled back, lids closed, body went limp. Awful. Awful awful! I am the worst mom in the world. How could I turn my back on her? How could I do that? I feel so awful.
She is FINE NOW. (Cranky/tired/out of sorts, but fine. Pupils fine, no marks on her except a big bruise on one elbow! She fell two feet onto cement!)
But when will I be fine and have this awful movie of what happened stop playing in my brain on an endless loop?
My husband just googled and found this article which I want to share with EVERYONE in the universe because I wish I had known this ahead of time.
http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m0816/is_6_23/ai_n19395000
So apparently it is pretty common to happen. My gosh, why didn't someone tell me about that before? Horrible, horrible!!!!!
I'm going to take a CPR class.