16 months...
In each moment, you think you will remember everything. Every little breath and sigh, every smile, laugh, giggle. The way the light hits her little face, upturned nose, eyelashes fluttering. But nope. No. You won't.
So write everything down; jot down notes every time you can think of it. Like, today Bella walked up steps with me just holding her hand, for the first time. Very cool. Also, she is now giving fishy-face kisses where she sucks the sides of her mouth in and kisses you. She is also completely obsessed with "helping" in the kitchen, on a chair pulled up to the counter, wooden spoon in hand. She goes completely hysterical if you try to move her away. She also got up on the chair by herself (!!!!) today. My 16 month old girl!
What I remember from those days after she was born is so splotchy now, and you really do think you will remember it forever, this tiny creature in your arms! I remember feeling a little detached and out of it at first, I think I was a bit shell-shocked by the birth and the entire process. I couldn't concentrate on my baby because the cord was hurting me. My skin is soooo sensitive. I remember nursing for the first time and thinking that it would all go fine, we would be fine together. Ha!
I remember sleeping with her on my belly; I was scared I'd drop her, or roll over on her, our bed was just not big enough for the three of us. (We got a new one.) I remember not being able to find a comfy position to nurse in at first; I wish I'd prepared better for that and will for the next baby. I remember sitting up in bed with a pillow on my lap to prop her up, and just crying; my back hurt so badly, I was so tired, and next thing I knew my nipples were bleeding. I remember fumbling to the bathroom with Bella in my red hotsling, in the dark, in the middle of the night. I was using the peri bottle to help with the soreness when I peed, and needed both hands. I remember being up in the middle of the night, sitting on the couch, nursing and watching VH1 and listening to videos. The Fray... "I stayed up with you all night..." That kind of resonated with me!
I remember... cheesecake! I had a homemade cheesecake that served as my go to meal for a while. Hey, fat and protein and homemade and calories in an easy to grab format; worked for me. (Again, something I'll plan for better next time!)
I remember days when my husband would come home and I would be sitting there with Bella asleep in my lap, unable to move, having to pee, wanting to just get up and WALK, and handing her to him... "TAKE THIS BABY."
I remember so many tears shed over my low supply, taping the SNS to my breast and the awful rash I got from the tape. (Yep, tried eight hundred kinds of tape. Sensitive skin!) Formula dribbles all over my couch, me, the baby... everything. Evil SNS, how I hate/love you. My poor skinny baby, cannot even think of her being so thin and everyone saying "Oh, she is fine." Fine NOW, at a chunky 32 lbs! She is not destined to be a lil' petite thing, that is all.
The memories are just so fleeting. I lie in bed with her and hold her so close and kiss her and kiss her because I just sometimes want to freeze the moment, so precious, holding her in my arms. Soon she will be running away from me, embarrassed by me, telling me I don't understand her, and oh please just don't ever let her say she hates me. My heart might just break, even though I know it's a teen thing. I don't think I could take it. It's hard for me to look ahead, or look back, and even looking right at her sometimes I feel like my heart is going to just straight up explode out of my chest, her beauty and wonder and... awe.
However, none of the above means that I didn't want to throw her beautiful self right out the fucking window last night when she wouldn't stop mauling my tits!! I guess I mother to extremes.