Bella is 15 months old today, and yep, we are still nursing. Several times a day, even. She pulls down my shirt in public, even! And I have to say that I am thrilled beyond belief to have nursed long enough to hear her giggle with glee as I approach with bared breasts. :)
Bella is now almost 11 months old. It's hard to believe, the time has really flown by. I am such a different person than I was 12 months ago! One year ago when she was still safely in my belly and I was so looking forward to having her. Now, I cannot imagine life without her.
I have been planning to discontinue using Domperidone at the year mark.
I'm just back from a trip to Vegas. We had a great time, but I had an experience at the airport that I have to write about.
I had lugged my Pump in Style with me, and pumped at every available opportunity while we were there. I wanted to have plenty of breastmilk to carry with me on the plane for the trip back. Breastmilk is easier, because it keeps for longer at room temperature. (Up to 10 hours) So when we left for the airport, I took 11 ounces of breastmilk with me, plus a 4 ounce packet of formula, and figured that should be plenty for the 8 hours or so until we got home.
*sigh*
We went to lunch, then returned the rental car, then went to the airport, went through security, etc etc etc. Finally we are at the gate and sitting there, and I decide to combine the two bottles of breastmilk (I know you shouldn't typically do this). I had a half-ounce left in one bottle that I poured into the bigger bottle which had about 7.5 ounces in it. When I opened it up to pour, I noticed that the milk looked... weird. Frothy. Foamy. Like an inch of foam, sticking to the sides of the bottle. Huh, I thought to myself... that is so weird! It couldn't have gone bad, could it?
COULD IT?
I put a tiny bit of milk on the tip of my finger and tasted.
Ugh.
UGH.
OH NO.
My milk went sour!!!!!!
It had only been a few hours; the milk had been cold from the refrigerator and kept in an insulated bag. I know it is the desert, but damn... the milk was with me the whole time, I never left it in the car or anything like that. How could it go sour so fast!??!?!
But sour it was. Very sour. Ugh, the taste in my mouth was so awful. Ugh, ugh, ugh.
I started to panic. How the hell am I supposed to get through a four hour flight plus assorted travel time, with only 4 ounces of formula? My baby would starve! She would be freaking out! OMG! OMG! OMG!!!!
I did not know what to do. I was so at a loss, and so horrified, and so dismayed, and all of this brought to head all my feelings of inadequacy related to being unable to fully breastfeed. All I could think was that if I were a NORMAL breastfeeding mama, none of this would be an issue. I'd be able to just, you know, FEED MY BABY.
I burst into tears in the middle of the airport. All the options I could think of were horrible. Just go, and do my best to nurse her and try to tide her over with the few ounces I could provide, on top of the four ounces of formula. There was no later flight available, so go get a hotel room for another night? Our luggage would still be on this flight and then we'd have to go through the whole hellaciousness of security and airport rigamarole again. What to do? I just sat there crying my eyes out.
Some well-meaning woman behind me asked, "Is everything ok?" I know she meant well, but lady... I'm in the airport bawling, clearly everything is not ok!
Finally my husband suggested we find someone else with a baby and see if we could beg or buy some formula from them. I hated this idea, but ok, ok, you have to do what you have to do.
I stopped the first woman I saw pushing a stroller, her baby actually looked to be similar in age. I asked if she had any formula she could spare, and this kind angel said "Oh my gosh, I have totally been where you are right now! Have you been crying?" (At which, of course I burst into tears again.) "Here, I have a can of enfamil you can have. Please don't worry, we have plenty!"
Angel. Blessings to you. I'm crying even typing this. I thanked her profusely. Seriously, this woman saved the day.
I went into the bathroom at the airport and dumped my breastmilk into the sink, 4 days worth of pumping and pumping literally down the drain. I scrubbed out the bottle so I could make some formula and tried to stop crying.
So we wound up being able to get home with no problems. But you can bet that from now on I will have tons and tons of extra formula with me wherever I go! Hopefully I can someday return the favor this woman paid me, to some other mama and baby in need.
And I still have not figured out why my milk went sour!
Very cool movie which ultimately shows a brand newborn baby scooching over to mama's nipple.... all by herself!
Suddenly I really do understand why someone would say to me that La Leche League is not "their kind" of organization. Not because what I'm writing about is a position of LLL; for the record, it absolutely is not! But because people associate breastfeeding militants with LLL. (Mistakenly, IMO.*)
I believe that I am probably one of the hugest lactivists you could ever come across. That's why I'm sitting here chained to a breastpump when I could be in bed snuggling my baby and sleeping. That's why I have been busting my ass for the past six months to give my baby every drop of breastmilk that I possibly can. That's why I go to La Leche League meetings, nurse-ins, and it's why I try my best to support other moms having breastfeeding problems.
But the "militants" are now telling me that not only does FORMULA KILL, but that formula should be available by prescription only. They seem to think they can force women to breastfeed.
However a woman who cannot breastfeed (like me, at least I cannot 100%) is not going to be helped by this policy. Neither is a woman who doesn't breastfeed because, due to society making her believe her breasts are purely sexual, she believes it is disgusting. Neither will a woman who was sexually abused and cannot stand having her breasts touched. Neither will a woman who has minor breastfeeding difficulties but doesn't have the resources to be able to overcome them. Lactation consultants cost money. Getting to La Leche League meetings is not always possible. Breastpumps are expensive, even renting them is expensive.
Babies are not going to be helped by this policy, because a mother who has no medical care is not going to suddenly magically have it due to this law. She'll feed her baby cow's milk and hope for the best. Mothers who do have access to good healthcare aren't going to be served by this because, guess what... their babies will be hungry and screaming while they go through getting a doctor's appointment, getting to the doctor, getting the prescription, getting to the pharmacy, getting the prescription filled. Having to do that when you are sick is torture. Having to do all that with a screaming baby is simply inhuman.
I had my husband go buy our first formula. It sat on a shelf in my kitchen for a week, while I popped fenugreek pills, drowned in Mother's Milk tea, chowed on oatmeal, pumped like crazy, nursed on demand, and waited with so much hope and desperation for my milk to increase. I can't even explain the heartbreak of that waiting (which continues, every day, no matter what I tell myself) to a mom who has never experienced it. Trust me when I say that you don't want to know that. But to add insult to injury, to have to go to a doctor to explain that I don't have milk... and then what, how do I prove it? Do they force me to do test weights in their office? Do they force me to try to nurse my desperate baby while they watch, to prove to them that I've tried? (As if a freaking out baby would nurse well anyways.) How exactly would a mother prove to a doctor that she needs formula? What would the test be? Who decides what the test will be?
The other aspect of this I find so interesting, is that frequently such militants are die hard anti-modern medicine. Yet they'd send a vulnerable new mother into a doctor's office in a heartbeat to help support them as they sit up on high horses with full breasts wondering why moms like me don't "get it."
Breastfeeding is hard. Even when it works, it's hard. It should not be up to me or anyone to tell a mother what to do with her body, whether that means to carry life or nourish it. I believe in breastfeeding with my whole heart and I'm so grateful for the tiny bit of success I have with it. But increasing rates of breastfeeding will never happen with a sledgehammer. Hurting a wounded woman while she's down certainly won't make her more receptive to your message.
Formula is not poison. It's an option for babies who need it. Nothing more, nothing less.
I'm sending a hug out to all the other mamas who've needed, for all kinds of reasons, to feed their babies formula. You are a great mom to your baby!
I wish breastfeeding success were possible for every mom.
*LLL is an amazing organization full of all kinds of people, I'm sure some of the people are like this. But my experience with them has been mostly very supportive and open-minded. I'd encourage anyone to go to a LLL meeting or call a leader if they have a question about breastfeeding. You'll be amazed how friendly they are!
I am not sure if I posted here about this or not, but I followed up with a second endocrinologist who tested me for every darned thing under the sun. Seriously, they took so much blood I was woozy; and I was holding a baby. I was like "oooooooooooooooohh thanks, now I'll just take my BABY and DRIVE home..." Yikes, I had a granola bar in the car and felt better, but anyways.. a lot of blood!
Everything came back perfect, except that my vitamin D level was very, very low. The endo told me that she has a tentative hypothesis. That because my vitamin D level was so low, my body could not absorb calcium, and I need calcium to make milk. I am certainly desperate enough to grasp at straws, so I said YEP, let's start on some vitamin D.
Now here is where the "I am not a vampire" part comes in. I DO get sun every day. I get at least the 10-15 minutes of exposure which I've been told is required to make adequate vitamin D. The endo told me there isn't much research as to what is a good RDA, especially for nursing mamas, for vitamin D. Most of the research regarding vitamin D has to do with prevention of rickets in children. I will admit here and now that my brain has not yet been capable of combing the internet for information about this, but...
Since I started the supplement, I DO have more milk. Without question. Right now I have ten ounces of pumped milk in the fridge. That has *never* happened before. My breasts definitely feel more full, more often.
And, totally unrelated but adorable nonetheless, my baby has started responding when I ask if she wants some booby, by opening her mouth like a little shark and chomping down on me. (Not in a way that hurts!) It is the cutest darned thing ever!
I am not sure that I'll ever have what other moms would consider a full supply, but... I'm glad for every bit of improvement. And I'm not ashamed to say that I am incredibly proud to have officially, as of yesterday, made it FIVE MONTHS of breastfeeding! :)
Sitting here pumping, I guess it's time to write the whole thing down and sort it all out in my mind, if such a thing is possible.
I was and am determined to breastfeed my baby. I planned like crazy for this baby, I wanted to have a baby my whole life but made myself wait, and wait, and wait... and then I wanted to do everything just right (like all moms do), with a natural birth, breastfeeding, etc. I did have a natural home birth and baby latched on within 20 minutes of birth.
My latch was pronounced "good" by both my midwives and my pediatrician, and we were off and running.
So I decided to try one more time with another endocrinologist. The first one I went to was not only a nasty piece of work, she clearly had no clue about breastfeeding. She basically told me that the problem is simply that I'm not getting enough sleep.
Right!
So, this new endo was much better, but not very hopeful that she will find an answer for me. At least this lady knew what domperidone was, and that it is frequently used for milk production. That in itself is fairly impressive, it seems! She also seemed to understand more that I really do have a real problem, not just "first time mom jitters," as that other condescending lady seemed to think. She is running a bunch more tests though and who knows? Maybe we will find something.
I have to say though, I'm not altogether too hopeful either. I have been thinking a lot about this lately, and I'm thinking now that this whole thing may have begun with our bad latch in the beginning. Or, I don't know... clearly something went wrong somewhere, from my being able to clear her jaundice easily within a week while exclusively breastfeeding, to gaining no weight at all.
So frustrating to feel like your body has almost, ALMOST got it perfectly.
I'm really hopeful for a next baby though, and I will have a hospital grade pump ready to go and be pumping every time that little baby is sleeping until I know I've established a good supply.
A few weeks ago I was at Target with Bella, and we took the elevator. I had her carseat in the cart (not much room to shop, LOL), and had Bella in a sling, and just didn't want to attempt the escalator (they have a special one for carts) with all that going on. So anyways, we're in the elevator and there is another mama there with her baby in a pram. She asked how old Bella was; I replied that she was 10 weeks. Her baby was also 10 weeks. Super cute baby, snoozing happily in a pram.
I decided later to pick up some extra formula as long as I was there. Now usually I do not buy the formula, because I hate buying it. My husband buys it. But I figured, I was there, I could save him a trip. So I go to the formula aisle, and there is that other mama buying formula.
So how the heck is it that I want to whip my boob out right then and there to breastfeed my baby... when *I* am buying formula TOO?
I have been trying really hard to stop judging formula feeding moms. After all, I now feed formula, though it is not my choice. I am trying to see all those other moms as versions of myself... women who wanted to breastfeed but were unable. But I keep coming up on the "But's." But, she probably just didn't have good support. But, she probably didn't really try. But, she probably did not get help from a lactation consultant. But, she probably did not get a second opinion from another lactation consultant.
What BS! Who the heck do I think I am?
I am a lactivist who has to buy formula, that's who I am. So I'm having an identity crisis. I feel shame buying formula and I *hate* feeding Bella a bottle in public. I will always try to nurse first, in public, and give the bottle afterwards, even though that is reverse for us... usually we do the bottle first, nurse after. (Though lately we use the Lact-Aid almost exclusively, so that is not an issue. Bella doesn't want to take bottles from me now.)
Among my family, it is not better, it is worse. They are all *so* mainstream, and all I want (aside from to be able to breastfeed exclusively) is to be a good advocate for breastfeeding. By the simple act of breastfeeding! I was at my niece's birthday part last week and my SIL's sister asked when I'd be giving Bella cereal. The funny thing is I'd been bf'ing basically the entire time I'd been there. I guess Bella was feeling a bit nervous about the group, because she latched on, snoozed and stayed latched on happy as a clam for over an hour. My pat response was going to be that I didn't know how I'd get cereal in my boobs anyways. But I had to bite my tongue; I *do* give her bottles. I could give her cereal if I wanted.
A few days ago on one of our few, wonderfully glorious warm spring days I was at an outdoor shopping center and it was mama-central. I saw so many bottlefeeding moms, and I breastfed almost the whole time. It's so much easier; I cannot imagine that so many mamas have the types of problems I have, these women are choosing formula. (I can tell formula vs. breastmilk in a bottle from a mile away.) I just cannot imagine choosing it. Formula burps alone are horrendous enough to turn anyone to breastmilk!
Formula just tastes awful. I feel guilt over every little thing apparently, and giving my baby something to drink which I find nasty is just one more thing.
See? Identity crisis.
I'm grateful formula exists, because my baby needs it. But I hate needing it and wish I didn't.
It's been driving me crazy lately to see lots of people giving new moms the advice that extreme pain during breastfeeding is normal. It's absolutely not normal. It's so wrong of anyone to give this advice to a new mom.
Sore nipples are usually due to one or both of two causes. Either the baby is not positioned and latched properly, or the baby is not suckling properly, or both. However, babies learn to suck properly by getting milk from the breast when they are latched on well. (They learn by doing). Thus, “suck” problems are often caused by poor latching on. http://www.drjacknewman.com/index.ph...57&Itemi d=87
And let me just say that if you are a mom who is telling other moms this, because it was your experience... well, I'm really sorry that that was your experience. It didn't have to be. But c'mon... let's not perpetuate the pain you dealt with. It'd be kind of like me telling all new moms to expect a low milk supply... that's utter nonsense, most moms will never have to deal with what I've dealt with, thank goodness!
I had nipple pain with Bella, and my latch had been evaluated by two midwives and a pediatrician as "good latch." Here's the thing; if they are not a professionally trained lactation consultant, they don't really know and aren't qualified to evaluate your latch. Now some others have had their latch evaluated by LLL leaders. I love LLL and bless that organization, but leaders are volunteers. They have a lot of information and can be really helpful, but they do not have the training that a professional IBCLC has.
I called a lactation consultant on Bella's fifth day. Both my nipples had scabs on, and every time she latched on I winced, loudly. The pain was indeed toe-curling. The LC came over, watched me latch, and then helped me do it correctly and I will kid you not. It was like magic. The pain literally disappeared. IMMEDIATELY. Not only did the pain go away, but the scabs fell off my nipples within 24 hours! Because if you have proper latch, the babies mouth is not really touching your nipple. The mouth is closed around the aerola, the nipple is deep in the mouth and not getting hit over and over by their tongue or mouth.
One LLL leader I spoke with put it very well; if you were to tap your finger on your desk a thousand times, it would hurt. Anything done with that much repetition, will hurt. So of course, a tongue against a nipple over and over is going to hurt.
So if you're a new mom who is having breastfeeding pain, please please please try to consult with a lactation consultant. LLL can refer you to one. If you can't afford one, definitely consult with LLL and trust their opinion over anything a doctor or midwife would tell you, but a LC would be best. Consider it an investment in the long-term success of your breastfeeding relationship!
A proper latch is crucial to success. This is the key to successful breastfeeding. Unfortunately, too many mothers are being "helped" by people who don’t know what a proper latch is. If you are being told your two day old’s latch is good despite your having very sore nipples, be sceptical, and ask for help from someone else who knows. http://www.drjacknewman.com/index.ph...37&Itemi d=67
Also check out Dr. Newman's videos showing proper latch. I will say though that I watched them over and over and when it came right down to it, I still needed an LC who could grab my boob and shove it in my baby's mouth and say "Like THIS!" It's very hands on!
I hope this helps some moms who are out there and at the end of their sore nipples!
Not that I would breastfeed this long, but if you don't believe breasts are sexual, and if you do believe that breastmilk is incredibly nutritious, then... really, is there anything wrong with it? I don't think so. I love the innocence of these kids who say... "Breastmilk is the best thing in the world... No one should ever stop breastfeeding!"
Well, her baby is nursing anyways!
I'm participating in the cyber nurse-in on Myspace...
This is getting old.
You know I really do understand why interactions with doctors could turn people against modern medicine altogether and make you into a crazy anti-vaxer running around trying to cure the world's ills with sodium ascorbate. I really, really do.
I have been feeling like no one is listening to me ever since Bella was born, and I am still feeling that way. Not a single care provider that I am seeing gives the slightest bit of validity to anything I say. I get blown off, brushed off, and pushed aside with every single concern I raise about every single thing.
At my gyn appt yesterday, he looked at my swollen infected yoni and mumbled something about sitz baths while trying to run out the door. No, I said. We tried sitz baths. This is an infection and responded very well to clindamycin, but clindamycin was making me very sick. Please prescribe me something else.
He finally gave me a scrip for zithromax, but said if I just waited it would probably go away. "Then why did it respond to the clindamycin so well?" Ah, said he. Because it is an infection. "YES, exactly." Idiot! Why not just trust me that I know that my body is not ok? Why do people keep looking at this swelling which is causing me intense pelvic pains and making me scared for my fertility, and telling me "Well, you had a baby." Yes, I had a baby. I would like to have more! Please help me NOT be infected anymore!
My midwife said the same thing, along with blowing off my concerns about my babies weight gain. Why not trust me that I know my body and baby are not ok?
My doctor told me my baby needed energy healing instead of food, and that my diet wasn't good enough. Yeah, my diet is not the greatest, but it is more than adequate. Just because I can't tell you every meal I've had for the last three days (Hello? New tired mama!) doesn't mean I haven't eaten sufficiently to make milk. Why not just trust me that I know what my body needs? And maybe I should see an energy healer too. I asked if my low thyroid might be an issue (yes, it might be, many people with thyroid problems have problems with milk supply), and she totally blew me off. "No, just make sure you're eating enough." Eating enough! I have never been fatter in my life than I am right now. I am not even attempting to diet due to fear of my milk supply. I'm EATING PLENTY!
Today at the endocrinologists I got to feel scorn heaped upon me for listening to lactation consultants, and then felt like the floor dropped out from under me when I said that there were resources online discussing PCOS, low milk supply, and use of metformin to resolve it. You know what she said? Are you ready? Pro-vaxer that I am? Believer in sound medical research that I am? "Well, you can't believe everything you read on the internet. I will look it up, but I need solid, peer-reviewed studies to believe it." HA! She thought I was a whacko anti-vaxer!
She went on to say... "The problem is sleep. You're not getting enough sleep." Huh? I get plenty of sleep! More, probably, than most first time moms! Why not just TRUST ME that I know how much sleep my body needs? Why not trust evolution to not create a situation where a tired new mama cannot feed her baby! Why not recognize the fact that even if my diet were pure crap, even if I were starving to death, even if I hadn't slept all week, my body would still make feeding my baby a priority... if it were working right... and take from me to give to her!
Plus, she told me that women with PCOS do not have low supply problems. And that I can't use a scale to tell how much my baby is getting at a feeding, because a fluid ounce does not equal an ounce of weight. Well, dammit.. I just weighed a fluid ounce and it does too. Perhaps not on a super duper scientific scale, but on my special scale which counts tenths of an ounce, it weighs exactly one ounce. That may not be perfectly scientific, but it is certainly sufficient to get an idea of how much volume a baby is taking in!
I am so tired of people not listening to me, I am about to blow. All I want is just one care provider who will listen to my concerns and say, "OK. Let's figure out what is going on," instead of trying to tell ME what is going on with my body WITHOUT LISTENING TO ME.
I know there are good doctors out there... I just don't know where!
Bella is snoozin' in the sling now... in the sling is the only way I can syringe feed her as I need both hands.
The reason for making her wait an hour between feedings... My LC says that the breast needs to completely empty and refill to make sure she gets all the hind milk. It is still confusing to me! But she recommended it to me the last time she was here and I DIDN'T do it and look where we are. She said it's like the baby is constantly snacking, vs. having a meal... like she's eating chips all day instead of sitting down to a big pot roast. I am not sure how that works biologically but, I'm willing to try it at least for a while!
I am not doing block feeding right now, although she said that is an option... I'm trying this first because I kind of was block feeding before... not three hours at a time usually, but I would keep her on one side for an hour, if she'd let me. Most of the time she would get mad and only settle if I gave her the other side. I think she just gets sleepy and lazy towards the end and doesn't want to work for the hind milk; she'd rather go to the other side and get the easy fast milk.
I did just pump one breast at a time with her in the sling. My LC said pumping after feeding her is optional but I'm trying. I'm hoping to be able to call her in a week and go "Oh, my gosh! This engorgement! This crazy let down! I have so much milk! Milk is spurting everywhere!" (I am not trying to make light of that problem, I know it IS a problem for a lot of women. I am just envious of it now!) I have never had major engorgement, or seen spurting if I pull Bella off the breast. Milk squirts out when I squeeze, but not tons, and I am just so worried my body is not making enough.
Why can't they make soft flanges which *milk* the breast better????
OK, I have to say, pumping and scheduled feedings are WAY more difficult than just nursing on demand and letting her happily nurse off to sleep!
My LC came by to drop off the Medela Pump in Style for me, and this is what she recommended... pump for 5 minutes before feeding her, then keep her on each breast for 20 minutes only... then syringe feed what I pumped to her at the end of the feeding. (So supplementing but with my own milk.) She said I could also pump for 5 minutes or so after the end of a feeding. Then, make her wait an hour in between feedings.
It is so counter-intuitive to me to have to make her WAIT. And annoying. Why doesn't my body just give her the milk she needs?
The syringe is not really a syringe... it looks like a syringe but the tip is very thin and curved. Anyone know what that is called? She recommended we put it next to our finger tip, so she can suck on our finger and get the milk.
I pumped a whole half an ounce! =:O
I was able to get an appt with my ped tomorrow... so at least I'll be able to rule out any other health issues... and I'm glad, as I'd like to at least discuss with her my moving my WBV's to another ped before the other office calls asking for Bella's first exam records! It seems courteous to give her an explanation.
OK I wrote this yesterday and am just now having the chance to post it. I am not liking pumping but am hoping it will work. Fast. I'm trying to eat oatmeal but UGH... I hate it! And I'm taking fenugreek also.
I'll try to post after I see the pediatrician later and let you guys know what's going on... thank you so much for all the advice and support!!!! I will check out babycenter but ...
It helps a lot to know that there are some moms here who supplemented and it did NOT destroy the BF relationship... so if I have to do that, I know it doesn't have to be the end of everything. I love nursing her! I love it!!!!
What genius designed a double-boob breastpump that you have to hold on AND use one hand to turn on and off? How is that supposed to work? I bet a man came up with that!
Bella has not gained. She was barely 8lbs yesterday at the midwife's office, with a footed sleeper on... when we weighed her before she was naked. At my 2 wk checkup she was 7lbs 15 and 1/2 oz! =:O When I went in the next time she was just at 8lbs even. She was born at 9lbs 4 oz! :( :( :(
Other than that she *seems* healthy. She is bright-eyed and bushy tailed! She looks at everything, coos, gurgles, and is starting to smile. She's having 3/4 poops a day and I am not counting her wet dipes, but lots! I've been laundering cloth dipes daily AND had to go buy more 'sposies. She stands up while leaning against me, scooches, and acts like she is going to crawl off. She holds her head up and seems so strong in general!
I've been to two LLL meetings and met with an LC three times... I just got off the phone with her and she is on her way over to drop off a pump in style for me. She is recommending I pump for five min. both sides before nursing, so Bella gets the hind milk faster. She says she thinks it sounds like a fore/hindmilk imbalance. I think that sounds right because I think Bella gets lazy towards the end of a feeding... she is maybe not finishing on one breast before she goes to the other for the fresh, faster flow.
I've been eating oatmeal... do granola bars count??? =:O But I'll have my husband pick up some fenugreek for me later today from whole foods.
I am sooooooo... just sort of in disbelief at this. I feel like something is wrong with me. Everything else worked! This should work too! :( And I love nursing her so much.
I made an appt with a new pediatrician... mine can't see us till Tuesday, since she is not... "sick" per se... but now I'm not sure I want to go to the new guy as I KNOW he will tell me to supplement with formula. I'd like to at least give supplementing with my own milk a try. (LC wants me to pump before I nurse, then when she is done spoon/syringe feed her the milk I pumped.) If she *has* to be supplemented with formula OF COURSE I will do it. But this is the prob with a mainstream ped, that they will default to that without suggesting anything else, and I know this in advance. Plus if I go in they are going to push the hep b shot and I'm not sure I'm up for that right now. I don't have a problem with it... I'm just not ready for her to get shots today. Plus I don't see any issue with delaying the hep b. Maybe a year. Plus I am not sure I'm up for explaining the whole "home birth with a midwife" thing *today* to a mainstream ped.
Thank you for the comments about my midwife. She really does mean well, but I mean... I knew she was absent minded before this, and I know Dec./Jan were insanely busy for them, but still! Why is it not written in my file! I certainly don't expect her to remember every detail of every vagina she sees.... but if I TELL her something I think she should listen to ME, and not say "Well the chart just says you had a 2nd degree tear."
So I went to the midwife for my six week appt yesterday and it was
just not a good appointment. I am still all swollen inside and I got
into an argument with her over whether or not I had stitches in my
perineum. I did NOT. Not only do I know where the stitches were
exactly (I could feel them with my fingers, looked in the mirror while
she was stitching, she had to actually nip a piece of my flesh off
that didn't get stitched up, talked about it with the birth assistant
who did the actual stitching), but I had my husband checking me every
day or so to make sure I was healing correctly. So he knows what was
there, too! (Bet he never thought he'd be an OB in training! LOL!)
There were no stitches in my perineum! There may have been one tiny
one... maybe??? I had a lump there, but last time I was there I asked
about this lump (tiny, hard, wierd, foriegn feeling), and she said it
was a pimple. OK I have never had a pimple on my perineum in my life!
But whatever!
The birth assistant wasn't there yesterday and apparently was vague in
her notes about *where* I tore. While I was being stitched up, the
midwife was examining Bella, weighing, etc. So she didn't see. But
wtf does this woman think this great big glob of swelling inside me is
from anyways????
She said, btw, for that swelling... "Give it six months." UGGGHHHH.
AND I have an infection (vaginosis), oh joy of joys...which I bet I
got from taking sitz baths which I did not want to take anyways! So
now I'm on antibiotics. :(
I have *loved* my experience with my midwives up until this whole
stitching debacle but now I feel... angry and kind of violated. Like
how could she not know exactly what happened to me, and how could she
argue with me and tell me I'm wrong about what was stitched where
inside of myself!
Meanwhile, Bella is still only weighing 8lbs. How is she not gaining
weight? WTF, WTF, WTF! I am making an appt to take her in and get
checked out but talk about freaking out! This child is attached to my
boobs 24/7 and NOT gaining? What is wrong with me???? :( :( :(
I love nursing my baby. I knew I was GOING to breastfeed. But I really did not know how much I would love doing it.
Don't get me wrong, it is not always easy. I had scabs on my nipples from a bad latch at first, and had to have help from a lactation consultant (worth their weight in gold, honestly) to really get going. But now...
I love it when she starts fussing, and I begin to bring her to the breast. She is 5 wks old now, and her eyes open so wide, her mouth opens, and her whole face and body have this look of happy expectancy. I am going to have to try to get a picture of it, because it is absolutely so precious!
I love it when she doesn't latch on right away... I think babies do this to encourage the milk to let down. She will first just kinda mouth the nipple, then pull back, her whole face still full of that excited, happy look. If I don't put her back quickly, she'll start twisting her head from side to side like "Mommmmm!!!!" Then when I put her back on, that unmistakeable sensation of the latch.
I love watching her nurse. Her little lips all flared out like a fishface, eyelids fluttering, ears wiggling as she sucks and swallows. Her whole tiny little head bobs with it. She always has her little hands in fists up by her face or jammed under her chin. Sometimes, when she is awake and alert, she will be peering around at everything in the room, and whenever she sees something interesting she'll pause in sucking... like... "WHOA!" Wide eyed!
She is so beautiful and amazing and I just adore her every molecule. And I *love* nursing my baby!
