Scream-it-out
Lately, other moms are driving me nuts. I am on no high horse; I'm well aware that mothering is a journey we are all on, and most of us are trying to do our best for our kids. Some, I'm happy to judge, like Racist Mom (who believes that the 9th Ward destruction was really "no big deal"), and Sexist Mom. But mostly, no, I don't judge. I'm not perfect. I have yelled, cried, sobbed, ran into the bathroom and locked myself in while my daughter cried for me, I've done all kinds of things to cope with being a mom. I do the best I can, and I try harder when I screw it up (which is often).
But... screaming it out?
First, I do disagree with CIO (cry it out) as a parenting method for most kids. I know that for some kids it works great; they cry for a few minutes and then settle down and go to sleep. Excellent! I don't have a problem with that. But most parents hear "cry it out" and believe that they should let their child cry for as long as it takes. (Which is, btw, not at all what Ferber recommends!) So you wind up with situations like this one.
Today in preschool my daughter was all enamored of one of her friends, little 2 year old G, and her big sister, 4 year old M. They were loving on each other, hugging each other, playing together, and my daughter was just in love. She was following them around with stars in her little eyes. I have baby lust anyways, so I said something about how Bella obviously wants a sibling just as much as I do. Her mom said "Yeah, good luck with that!" I replied with something about how Bella has been really challenging and I hope my next child is a bit easier, and asked if G (her second) was easier?
She rolled her eyes and said NO, G is *worse.* Would I believe that she didn't get any sleep the night before because G screamed all night long?
She told me that G screamed and screamed and screamed for three solid hours before she lost track. But that she can't give in because "then it would all be downhill!" (As if it could get worse? How exactly could it get worse?)
I was dumbfounded, and rendered speechless. Not a state I am used to. I really like this little girl, G, and she is adorable! Bella likes her and was saying her name. So it felt personal to me in a way that hearing stories of babies on the internet does not. I stammered out something about us co-sleeping, and the mom responded that she did co-sleep with M, but couldn't with G. "It's not fair to M, you know? Since she is not allowed to do it anymore, I don't see how we can let G do it."
But it's FAIR to let the little one scream alone in a crib all night?
What is fair about that?
I myself have succumbed to the "You're just not being firm enough" monster of popular parenting several times myself, always to have it blow up in my face. Bella doesn't respond well to strong arm tactics. There are more than one way to do things. So why do so many parents paint themselves into a corner like this? Why is this the hill she wants to die on?
I was still thinking about all of this while I put Bella down for her nap. We've been working on her night time sleep and it has gotten much better this week, but naps are still kind of askew. I held her snuggled up close to me while she had a bottle. She lay there staring dreamily off into space and very gently stroking my eyelashes. She has never done that before, but it was pretty amazing. Then when she clearly was unable to fall asleep, I threw her on my back and pulled out the vacuum. Within three minutes, she was out like a light, and has been for the past two hours.
Why not invest the time to parent your child to sleep instead of leaving them to scream? Let's say that it takes 45 minutes of your day. That is still better than hour upon hour of screaming, isn't it?
This has certainly given me a new perspective into my own child's sleep woes.
I don't get it. And this is one of the very few times when I'm glad to say that my way is better.
