Bella is 15 months old today, and yep, we are still nursing. Several times a day, even. She pulls down my shirt in public, even! And I have to say that I am thrilled beyond belief to have nursed long enough to hear her giggle with glee as I approach with bared breasts. :)
Bella is now almost 11 months old. It's hard to believe, the time has really flown by. I am such a different person than I was 12 months ago! One year ago when she was still safely in my belly and I was so looking forward to having her. Now, I cannot imagine life without her.
I have been planning to discontinue using Domperidone at the year mark.
I'm just back from a trip to Vegas. We had a great time, but I had an experience at the airport that I have to write about.
I had lugged my Pump in Style with me, and pumped at every available opportunity while we were there. I wanted to have plenty of breastmilk to carry with me on the plane for the trip back. Breastmilk is easier, because it keeps for longer at room temperature. (Up to 10 hours) So when we left for the airport, I took 11 ounces of breastmilk with me, plus a 4 ounce packet of formula, and figured that should be plenty for the 8 hours or so until we got home.
*sigh*
We went to lunch, then returned the rental car, then went to the airport, went through security, etc etc etc. Finally we are at the gate and sitting there, and I decide to combine the two bottles of breastmilk (I know you shouldn't typically do this). I had a half-ounce left in one bottle that I poured into the bigger bottle which had about 7.5 ounces in it. When I opened it up to pour, I noticed that the milk looked... weird. Frothy. Foamy. Like an inch of foam, sticking to the sides of the bottle. Huh, I thought to myself... that is so weird! It couldn't have gone bad, could it?
COULD IT?
I put a tiny bit of milk on the tip of my finger and tasted.
Ugh.
UGH.
OH NO.
My milk went sour!!!!!!
It had only been a few hours; the milk had been cold from the refrigerator and kept in an insulated bag. I know it is the desert, but damn... the milk was with me the whole time, I never left it in the car or anything like that. How could it go sour so fast!??!?!
But sour it was. Very sour. Ugh, the taste in my mouth was so awful. Ugh, ugh, ugh.
I started to panic. How the hell am I supposed to get through a four hour flight plus assorted travel time, with only 4 ounces of formula? My baby would starve! She would be freaking out! OMG! OMG! OMG!!!!
I did not know what to do. I was so at a loss, and so horrified, and so dismayed, and all of this brought to head all my feelings of inadequacy related to being unable to fully breastfeed. All I could think was that if I were a NORMAL breastfeeding mama, none of this would be an issue. I'd be able to just, you know, FEED MY BABY.
I burst into tears in the middle of the airport. All the options I could think of were horrible. Just go, and do my best to nurse her and try to tide her over with the few ounces I could provide, on top of the four ounces of formula. There was no later flight available, so go get a hotel room for another night? Our luggage would still be on this flight and then we'd have to go through the whole hellaciousness of security and airport rigamarole again. What to do? I just sat there crying my eyes out.
Some well-meaning woman behind me asked, "Is everything ok?" I know she meant well, but lady... I'm in the airport bawling, clearly everything is not ok!
Finally my husband suggested we find someone else with a baby and see if we could beg or buy some formula from them. I hated this idea, but ok, ok, you have to do what you have to do.
I stopped the first woman I saw pushing a stroller, her baby actually looked to be similar in age. I asked if she had any formula she could spare, and this kind angel said "Oh my gosh, I have totally been where you are right now! Have you been crying?" (At which, of course I burst into tears again.) "Here, I have a can of enfamil you can have. Please don't worry, we have plenty!"
Angel. Blessings to you. I'm crying even typing this. I thanked her profusely. Seriously, this woman saved the day.
I went into the bathroom at the airport and dumped my breastmilk into the sink, 4 days worth of pumping and pumping literally down the drain. I scrubbed out the bottle so I could make some formula and tried to stop crying.
So we wound up being able to get home with no problems. But you can bet that from now on I will have tons and tons of extra formula with me wherever I go! Hopefully I can someday return the favor this woman paid me, to some other mama and baby in need.
And I still have not figured out why my milk went sour!
Suddenly I really do understand why someone would say to me that La Leche League is not "their kind" of organization. Not because what I'm writing about is a position of LLL; for the record, it absolutely is not! But because people associate breastfeeding militants with LLL. (Mistakenly, IMO.*)
I believe that I am probably one of the hugest lactivists you could ever come across. That's why I'm sitting here chained to a breastpump when I could be in bed snuggling my baby and sleeping. That's why I have been busting my ass for the past six months to give my baby every drop of breastmilk that I possibly can. That's why I go to La Leche League meetings, nurse-ins, and it's why I try my best to support other moms having breastfeeding problems.
But the "militants" are now telling me that not only does FORMULA KILL, but that formula should be available by prescription only. They seem to think they can force women to breastfeed.
However a woman who cannot breastfeed (like me, at least I cannot 100%) is not going to be helped by this policy. Neither is a woman who doesn't breastfeed because, due to society making her believe her breasts are purely sexual, she believes it is disgusting. Neither will a woman who was sexually abused and cannot stand having her breasts touched. Neither will a woman who has minor breastfeeding difficulties but doesn't have the resources to be able to overcome them. Lactation consultants cost money. Getting to La Leche League meetings is not always possible. Breastpumps are expensive, even renting them is expensive.
Babies are not going to be helped by this policy, because a mother who has no medical care is not going to suddenly magically have it due to this law. She'll feed her baby cow's milk and hope for the best. Mothers who do have access to good healthcare aren't going to be served by this because, guess what... their babies will be hungry and screaming while they go through getting a doctor's appointment, getting to the doctor, getting the prescription, getting to the pharmacy, getting the prescription filled. Having to do that when you are sick is torture. Having to do all that with a screaming baby is simply inhuman.
I had my husband go buy our first formula. It sat on a shelf in my kitchen for a week, while I popped fenugreek pills, drowned in Mother's Milk tea, chowed on oatmeal, pumped like crazy, nursed on demand, and waited with so much hope and desperation for my milk to increase. I can't even explain the heartbreak of that waiting (which continues, every day, no matter what I tell myself) to a mom who has never experienced it. Trust me when I say that you don't want to know that. But to add insult to injury, to have to go to a doctor to explain that I don't have milk... and then what, how do I prove it? Do they force me to do test weights in their office? Do they force me to try to nurse my desperate baby while they watch, to prove to them that I've tried? (As if a freaking out baby would nurse well anyways.) How exactly would a mother prove to a doctor that she needs formula? What would the test be? Who decides what the test will be?
The other aspect of this I find so interesting, is that frequently such militants are die hard anti-modern medicine. Yet they'd send a vulnerable new mother into a doctor's office in a heartbeat to help support them as they sit up on high horses with full breasts wondering why moms like me don't "get it."
Breastfeeding is hard. Even when it works, it's hard. It should not be up to me or anyone to tell a mother what to do with her body, whether that means to carry life or nourish it. I believe in breastfeeding with my whole heart and I'm so grateful for the tiny bit of success I have with it. But increasing rates of breastfeeding will never happen with a sledgehammer. Hurting a wounded woman while she's down certainly won't make her more receptive to your message.
Formula is not poison. It's an option for babies who need it. Nothing more, nothing less.
I'm sending a hug out to all the other mamas who've needed, for all kinds of reasons, to feed their babies formula. You are a great mom to your baby!
I wish breastfeeding success were possible for every mom.
*LLL is an amazing organization full of all kinds of people, I'm sure some of the people are like this. But my experience with them has been mostly very supportive and open-minded. I'd encourage anyone to go to a LLL meeting or call a leader if they have a question about breastfeeding. You'll be amazed how friendly they are!
I have been told recently that, "Formula Kills!" What a horrible thing to say. Formula is not perfect. But we are blessed to live in a time when we have a viable alternative for mamas like me whose babies WOULD DIE without another source of milk. The only reason I'm sitting here typing is because I'm chained to the breastpump popping domperidone and doing everything I can to get every last drop of breastmilk in my baby. But apparently it's all for naught as FORMULA KILLS.
Argh. A little compassion, people. Not only that, but a little REASON. Formula is certainly better than giving a newborn cow's milk and karo syrup which is what used to be done.
You can be a lactivist without shoving hate out into the world. To me, being a lactivist is about loving our babies as best we can, and showing other moms how great it is by example. NOT by trying to shove lactivism down their throats by implying that they will KILL their babies if they don't breastfeed.
Here's a photo of my beautiful baby nursing with the lact-aid. Which has either formula or breastmilk in it, depending. 
I am not sure if I posted here about this or not, but I followed up with a second endocrinologist who tested me for every darned thing under the sun. Seriously, they took so much blood I was woozy; and I was holding a baby. I was like "oooooooooooooooohh thanks, now I'll just take my BABY and DRIVE home..." Yikes, I had a granola bar in the car and felt better, but anyways.. a lot of blood!
Everything came back perfect, except that my vitamin D level was very, very low. The endo told me that she has a tentative hypothesis. That because my vitamin D level was so low, my body could not absorb calcium, and I need calcium to make milk. I am certainly desperate enough to grasp at straws, so I said YEP, let's start on some vitamin D.
Now here is where the "I am not a vampire" part comes in. I DO get sun every day. I get at least the 10-15 minutes of exposure which I've been told is required to make adequate vitamin D. The endo told me there isn't much research as to what is a good RDA, especially for nursing mamas, for vitamin D. Most of the research regarding vitamin D has to do with prevention of rickets in children. I will admit here and now that my brain has not yet been capable of combing the internet for information about this, but...
Since I started the supplement, I DO have more milk. Without question. Right now I have ten ounces of pumped milk in the fridge. That has *never* happened before. My breasts definitely feel more full, more often.
And, totally unrelated but adorable nonetheless, my baby has started responding when I ask if she wants some booby, by opening her mouth like a little shark and chomping down on me. (Not in a way that hurts!) It is the cutest darned thing ever!
I am not sure that I'll ever have what other moms would consider a full supply, but... I'm glad for every bit of improvement. And I'm not ashamed to say that I am incredibly proud to have officially, as of yesterday, made it FIVE MONTHS of breastfeeding! :)
I am all in a fluster over tonights LLL meeting. It's even more upsetting as usually I feel so much better after a meeting. It just feels good, in general, to be around other breastfeeding mamas.
But.
Tonight's topic was "Overcoming Challenges and Problems," or something like that. There was a mama there experiencing supply problems . One leader told her she is probably not really having supply problems. (Maybe. Maybe not. I wouldn't venture to guess, but if I were diagnosed with supply problems and had it all to do over again, I will tell you; I'd attack with guns blazing as soon as possible!)
Another leader poo-poo'd me when I recommended a lactation consultant. "We are available too, and we are free." (Yes, you are free. You are an UNPAID VOLUNTEER. Bless you! Bless you! Really! But for a mama who is having serious problems, if she can afford it, a lactation consultant can be really helpful. They are *professionals* who are trained to look for problems that a layperson might not pick up on. Lactation consultants in hospitals are also often lower paid or not paid at all. If you're in real trouble, invest the $100 or so to see an IBCLC. It's cheaper than formula!*)
People kept saying that if you just nurse on demand, just pump a lot, your supply would be ok. I really hate the attitude that if you just do everything JUST RIGHT, everything will turn out fine! This is true most of the time, but not all of the time, and there I was sitting there saying, "Yes, I did everything right and it didn't turn out fine! And it is still worth it!"
And, just in general, the other problems other mamas have seem so small in comparison to my own. Not to belittle their experiences, but thrush and mastitis, while *horrible* to go through, can be overcome. My problem really has no end in sight.
It would've been nice to be acknowledged at all, I guess, to have even one leader say "It is great that you are still nursing even with low milk supply!" I mean I *know* it is, but I felt very blown off.
Now I'm all cranky, my poor husband! I don't know how he puts up with me.
*I hope I don't come off as being down on LLL or the leaders. I love them both! They do such amazing work and I am constantly posting their meetings all over the internet and encouraging moms to go. No one is perfect and I needed a vent. I also do believe that for more serious problems or harder to figure out problems, LC's are absolutely necessary. I hope that's clear!
I've received some feedback which reminded me, I should have added these thoughts...
First, I do have hypothyroid. I was on synthroid throughout my pregnancy and did have my levels checked during my pregnancy. Still, I believe this was/is a factor in my supply problems. Unfortunately there is not much research going on about lactation at all, much less lactation and thyroid function. There was just a study done about hypothyroid and pregnancy though, which is kind of interesting.
Sitting here pumping, I guess it's time to write the whole thing down and sort it all out in my mind, if such a thing is possible.
I was and am determined to breastfeed my baby. I planned like crazy for this baby, I wanted to have a baby my whole life but made myself wait, and wait, and wait... and then I wanted to do everything just right (like all moms do), with a natural birth, breastfeeding, etc. I did have a natural home birth and baby latched on within 20 minutes of birth.
My latch was pronounced "good" by both my midwives and my pediatrician, and we were off and running.
So I decided to try one more time with another endocrinologist. The first one I went to was not only a nasty piece of work, she clearly had no clue about breastfeeding. She basically told me that the problem is simply that I'm not getting enough sleep.
Right!
So, this new endo was much better, but not very hopeful that she will find an answer for me. At least this lady knew what domperidone was, and that it is frequently used for milk production. That in itself is fairly impressive, it seems! She also seemed to understand more that I really do have a real problem, not just "first time mom jitters," as that other condescending lady seemed to think. She is running a bunch more tests though and who knows? Maybe we will find something.
I have to say though, I'm not altogether too hopeful either. I have been thinking a lot about this lately, and I'm thinking now that this whole thing may have begun with our bad latch in the beginning. Or, I don't know... clearly something went wrong somewhere, from my being able to clear her jaundice easily within a week while exclusively breastfeeding, to gaining no weight at all.
So frustrating to feel like your body has almost, ALMOST got it perfectly.
I'm really hopeful for a next baby though, and I will have a hospital grade pump ready to go and be pumping every time that little baby is sleeping until I know I've established a good supply.
A few weeks ago I was at Target with Bella, and we took the elevator. I had her carseat in the cart (not much room to shop, LOL), and had Bella in a sling, and just didn't want to attempt the escalator (they have a special one for carts) with all that going on. So anyways, we're in the elevator and there is another mama there with her baby in a pram. She asked how old Bella was; I replied that she was 10 weeks. Her baby was also 10 weeks. Super cute baby, snoozing happily in a pram.
I decided later to pick up some extra formula as long as I was there. Now usually I do not buy the formula, because I hate buying it. My husband buys it. But I figured, I was there, I could save him a trip. So I go to the formula aisle, and there is that other mama buying formula.
So how the heck is it that I want to whip my boob out right then and there to breastfeed my baby... when *I* am buying formula TOO?
I have been trying really hard to stop judging formula feeding moms. After all, I now feed formula, though it is not my choice. I am trying to see all those other moms as versions of myself... women who wanted to breastfeed but were unable. But I keep coming up on the "But's." But, she probably just didn't have good support. But, she probably didn't really try. But, she probably did not get help from a lactation consultant. But, she probably did not get a second opinion from another lactation consultant.
What BS! Who the heck do I think I am?
I am a lactivist who has to buy formula, that's who I am. So I'm having an identity crisis. I feel shame buying formula and I *hate* feeding Bella a bottle in public. I will always try to nurse first, in public, and give the bottle afterwards, even though that is reverse for us... usually we do the bottle first, nurse after. (Though lately we use the Lact-Aid almost exclusively, so that is not an issue. Bella doesn't want to take bottles from me now.)
Among my family, it is not better, it is worse. They are all *so* mainstream, and all I want (aside from to be able to breastfeed exclusively) is to be a good advocate for breastfeeding. By the simple act of breastfeeding! I was at my niece's birthday part last week and my SIL's sister asked when I'd be giving Bella cereal. The funny thing is I'd been bf'ing basically the entire time I'd been there. I guess Bella was feeling a bit nervous about the group, because she latched on, snoozed and stayed latched on happy as a clam for over an hour. My pat response was going to be that I didn't know how I'd get cereal in my boobs anyways. But I had to bite my tongue; I *do* give her bottles. I could give her cereal if I wanted.
A few days ago on one of our few, wonderfully glorious warm spring days I was at an outdoor shopping center and it was mama-central. I saw so many bottlefeeding moms, and I breastfed almost the whole time. It's so much easier; I cannot imagine that so many mamas have the types of problems I have, these women are choosing formula. (I can tell formula vs. breastmilk in a bottle from a mile away.) I just cannot imagine choosing it. Formula burps alone are horrendous enough to turn anyone to breastmilk!
Formula just tastes awful. I feel guilt over every little thing apparently, and giving my baby something to drink which I find nasty is just one more thing.
See? Identity crisis.
I'm grateful formula exists, because my baby needs it. But I hate needing it and wish I didn't.
Pondering Bella's first three months, I realized that I feel like I *lost* her first six weeks.
Because I know now that she was suffering and hungry due to my low milk supply, that's all I remember and all I can see in my brain when I think of that time. It makes me want to cry to think of it, but I just keep thinking about all the things we were doing; spacing feedings out (arggghhhhh), letting her suck on our fingers because she wanted to suck all the time (arrrrrrghgghhhh!), etc. It is horrible to say, but I've lost the magic of her early newborn period. All those days sitting and nursing and watching Grey's Anatomy on the PC during endless nursing sessions is gone for me, obliterated by my knowledge that she was suffering then even though I didn't know it.
Even though she only cried if I put her down... even though she was so alert and seemingly happy when she was awake... even though she seemed so strong... looking back at the photos, what I see is her *skinny* and hungry. What I remember is doing all the wrong things when in the back of my mind, my mommy instinct was sounding alarms. I remember asking my husband for reassurance and him reassuring me that she was strong, was happy, was ok... (totally not his fault! She did seem strong and happy and ok!)
It's absolutely not fair.
I don't know why, of all the breastfeeding problems I planned for, researched, thought about, low milk supply was the last thing on my mind. I don't know why none of her care providers spotted it or suggested I discuss it with my LC. I don't know why the LC didn't spot it! I'm angry and hurt and confused and just don't even know what to do with myself really.
And I feel like those days and those memories are largely lost to me, because 30 years from now what I will remember are my mistakes as a mother, and that I didn't give her what she needed right away, and that my baby was unhappy and hungry. This is really not out of a desire to beat myself up. It's just reality and I don't know how to make it be anything other than what it is.
I hope if there is another mama out there reading this, nursing her baby at 3am and wondering if she is getting enough milk for her baby... I hope you can be proactive about it and look to the scale. Don't trust the opinions of other people; if alarm bells go off in the mama brain, they are going off for a reason. The scale is the gold standard of milk supply. All the other indicators of baby getting enough milk don't mean a thing if your baby isn't gaining weight!
I wish I'd supplemented sooner, addressed the whole problem sooner, and maybe my milk supply wouldn't be so low now. Supplementation is *not* the end of the world in comparison to a hungry, suffering baby! Formula is not breastmilk, but it's also not poison. I would never choose to use it, and, no offense, but I cannot imagine anyone *choosing* formula... ugh, the awful smell of formula burps alone is enough to turn a sane person off the stuff... but I'm grateful that it exists for those babies who need it, like mine. I wish I'd been less scared to supplement, less scared of formula, and remembered the very first rule of breastfeeding: FEED THE BABY.
Hindsight really is 20/20. For the first six weeks of her life, some things were going on that were making me feel really anxious. Now I know that the problem and the source of all these worries were my low milk supply and my baby being hungry.
* She SHRIEKED and screamed anytime I laid her down to change her or put her down anywhere at all. I thought this was just newborn wanting mama stuff. I did ask several people if it was normal for newborns to shriek and scream so much during diaper changes, and was assured it was. I felt like I was violating my own baby. :( Seriously, that may sound silly, but she is already her own little person. I'm just lucky enough to be able to care for her now. Anyways, I believe that many babies may object to having their dipes changed... but in my babies case, she was just hungry! Now, with a full belly, she smiles and coos up at me while I change her, or stares in rapt admiration at the ceiling fan over her head.
* She nursed all the time, nonstop, and wanted to be latched on perpetually. My first LC advised me that she was sucking just to pacify, and I should make the decision as to whether or not I wanted to allow that or wanted to give her a pacifier. And I believe some babies do this and don't have a problem. My baby, however, no longer "sucks to pacify." Turns out, she was staying latched on because she wasn't getting enough to eat. I believe this is the only reason she managed to gain two ounces from her lowest weight.
* I never definitively felt my milk come in. I noticed the color gradually change from yellowish-clear to white, but it was gradual.
* I never experienced engorgement.
* I wasn't feeling let-down sensations.
* My baby wasn't pooping. After her initial meconium poops, she did not poop again for 7 days, which is normal for an older breastfed baby... but *not* normal for a brand newborn. Everyone kept telling me "Just wait.. it'll come and be HUGE!" Um, no. Her first poop after 7 days of no poop was just a little thing. Then we went another 7 days. My midwife and doctor *both* told me this was ok. WTF! She was not getting enough to eat, which should've been obvious as...
* My baby wasn't gaining weight!
I feel so awful when I think of the fact that for the first six weeks of her life, my baby was hungry! I had suspicions that my milk wasn't as plentiful as I wanted it to be, but I really did not think she was just... hungry. :(
I do feel let-down now, thank goodness, and can tell my breasts are feeling fuller. I'm able to pump more. Today Bella had two bottles of pumped breastmilk as supplement instead of formula... that is a really huge accomplishment! So I'm feeling hopeful. I keep thinking how lucky I am to be able to pay for lactation consultants and buy a breast pump and above all else, stay home with my baby! If I were a WOHM (work out of the home mama), I'd be toast so far as breastfeeding goes. So really even though I've been having a hard time with so many things, I am totally blessed and I know it.
This is getting old.
You know I really do understand why interactions with doctors could turn people against modern medicine altogether and make you into a crazy anti-vaxer running around trying to cure the world's ills with sodium ascorbate. I really, really do.
I have been feeling like no one is listening to me ever since Bella was born, and I am still feeling that way. Not a single care provider that I am seeing gives the slightest bit of validity to anything I say. I get blown off, brushed off, and pushed aside with every single concern I raise about every single thing.
At my gyn appt yesterday, he looked at my swollen infected yoni and mumbled something about sitz baths while trying to run out the door. No, I said. We tried sitz baths. This is an infection and responded very well to clindamycin, but clindamycin was making me very sick. Please prescribe me something else.
He finally gave me a scrip for zithromax, but said if I just waited it would probably go away. "Then why did it respond to the clindamycin so well?" Ah, said he. Because it is an infection. "YES, exactly." Idiot! Why not just trust me that I know that my body is not ok? Why do people keep looking at this swelling which is causing me intense pelvic pains and making me scared for my fertility, and telling me "Well, you had a baby." Yes, I had a baby. I would like to have more! Please help me NOT be infected anymore!
My midwife said the same thing, along with blowing off my concerns about my babies weight gain. Why not trust me that I know my body and baby are not ok?
My doctor told me my baby needed energy healing instead of food, and that my diet wasn't good enough. Yeah, my diet is not the greatest, but it is more than adequate. Just because I can't tell you every meal I've had for the last three days (Hello? New tired mama!) doesn't mean I haven't eaten sufficiently to make milk. Why not just trust me that I know what my body needs? And maybe I should see an energy healer too. I asked if my low thyroid might be an issue (yes, it might be, many people with thyroid problems have problems with milk supply), and she totally blew me off. "No, just make sure you're eating enough." Eating enough! I have never been fatter in my life than I am right now. I am not even attempting to diet due to fear of my milk supply. I'm EATING PLENTY!
Today at the endocrinologists I got to feel scorn heaped upon me for listening to lactation consultants, and then felt like the floor dropped out from under me when I said that there were resources online discussing PCOS, low milk supply, and use of metformin to resolve it. You know what she said? Are you ready? Pro-vaxer that I am? Believer in sound medical research that I am? "Well, you can't believe everything you read on the internet. I will look it up, but I need solid, peer-reviewed studies to believe it." HA! She thought I was a whacko anti-vaxer!
She went on to say... "The problem is sleep. You're not getting enough sleep." Huh? I get plenty of sleep! More, probably, than most first time moms! Why not just TRUST ME that I know how much sleep my body needs? Why not trust evolution to not create a situation where a tired new mama cannot feed her baby! Why not recognize the fact that even if my diet were pure crap, even if I were starving to death, even if I hadn't slept all week, my body would still make feeding my baby a priority... if it were working right... and take from me to give to her!
Plus, she told me that women with PCOS do not have low supply problems. And that I can't use a scale to tell how much my baby is getting at a feeding, because a fluid ounce does not equal an ounce of weight. Well, dammit.. I just weighed a fluid ounce and it does too. Perhaps not on a super duper scientific scale, but on my special scale which counts tenths of an ounce, it weighs exactly one ounce. That may not be perfectly scientific, but it is certainly sufficient to get an idea of how much volume a baby is taking in!
I am so tired of people not listening to me, I am about to blow. All I want is just one care provider who will listen to my concerns and say, "OK. Let's figure out what is going on," instead of trying to tell ME what is going on with my body WITHOUT LISTENING TO ME.
I know there are good doctors out there... I just don't know where!
So my flaky pediatrician recommended I take Bella to an energy healer. According to her, the reason Bella was not gaining weight is because we have some unresolved "issues" surrounding... well, something. Maybe the birth, maybe something else. But an energy healer is what she recommended.
For a six week old baby still a pound below her birthweight.
There is so much about this that pisses me off, I hardly know where to begin. First of all, why not cut this complex Gordian knot and just find out if the baby is, you know... getting enough to eat?!?!
Next... Bella was being herself at the visit. Herself, meaning, alert, beautiful, wide-eyed and happy, smiling and rapt with fascination at the world. Full of pep and vim. How can you say that baby is unhappy?
The catch-22 here is, of course, that if my baby *were* unhappy and screaming all the time, I would've known much sooner that she wasn't getting enough to eat. As it was, she was so darned happy *all the time*... as long as I didn't put her down (which for me was not such a big problem)... that I had no idea she was hungry the whole time.
Of course now that we are supplementing, Bella is gaining normally. There is not a thing wrong with this child, and she certainly doesn't seem traumatized in any way, by any thing. I have to wonder what she *would* be traumatized by. She has not had a single moment to cry alone since she was born. The few times she's woken up alone recently (when I've snuck out of bed with her to go pump), I've come in to check on her and found her lying there smiling at the ceiling fan, happy as a clam. This child is *happy!* I would know if she weren't and go to the ends of the earth to remedy it. What mama wouldn't?!?!
Energy healing. Pshaw. This is, btw, another way of saying "Reiki." I mean no offense, either to anyone who enjoys such a thing. Whatever floats your boat. But "energy healing" is not going to fix a baby who is not getting enough to eat!
(Yes, we have a new pediatrician now!)