AP Baby

Here's how I lose points in my daughters playroom...

1) She's watching the Wiggles while I type this!
2) There is a TV in her playroom! (We are not in her playroom now, we are in the living room. The TV in there is for us all to play dance dance revolution on. Still!)
3) Tons of plastic monstrosities as far as the eye can see!
4) Books, books, and more books! Plus a bin full of books to rotate with the other books!
5) Alphabet puzzle!
6) I'm currently trying to bribe her through her pottying strike with M&Ms. She just had her first M&M installment and is now stomping her feet and saying MORE! Eeeks!
7) She had canned spaghettio's for lunch. NOT EVEN THE ORGANIC KIND. (With black beans, cheese, kale, and sweet potato puree. Still, though!)
8) Finally... the dreaded Black Crayon. Yes, there are black crayons everywhere!

Posted by JoAnna at 08:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Do you remember the last time your baby kicked you from inside your belly? I don't. I went into labor in the middle of the night, so it's likely that she was kicking me in my sleep, and I just don't remember. I don't remember her kicking me during the labor either, although I'm sure she did.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately because Bella is becoming less and less interested in nursing. I keep wondering when the last time will be, and if I will know it is the last time, or if I'll forget all about it until much later, like I did with her kicking me. I want to remember. I want to remember all the last times! I want to remember the last time she needs my help to go up and down the stairs, I want to remember the last diaper I put on her, I want to remember the last night she snuggles up to me in bed, I want to remember the last time she comes running over to me hollering "AhahAHahAHAhahaha!" and slams into me for a hug. I want to remember everything, and I know that my brain just cannot take it; so much new stuff happens that the old stuff just fades away.

What about you? Do you remember any important last times for you and your child?

Posted by JoAnna at 05:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I feel like I spend all day long every day chasing around a head full of bouncy red curls. Today we went to Cooper's Rock State Forest for Bella's first hike! Well, we went on a tiny hike yesterday, but this one was bigger and more deliberate. Plus, we took the dog, which really ups the "Real Hike" quotient in my mind. Anyways, Bella did great. The trail was a mess, very uneven, muddy. She was just running around having a blast. I got some amazing photos of her and Charlie together! We were out there for about an hour, maybe a little more, and we hiked for under a mile! Things just take longer with Bella around.

We returned home sweaty and muddy to find that our landlord had stopped by in our absence to repair a leaky faucet, and left us with no water! Apparently he was "fixing" it and "broke" something so now we have "no water."

I curled up with Bella like I always do, to help her down for her nap. We're doing a lot better; we've reached the No Twiddle zone, which is just a great place to be! She fell asleep pretty quickly, and I found myself drifting off with her. I woke up to a huge, huge, huge crash of thunder that sounded like it was about to rip the roof off the house. The bed and walls were literally vibrating from the force of it! Bella was all snugged up against me, wearing only a diaper, all snuggly soft babyflesh and bouncy curls. I held her a little closer with all that thunder. I thought I should get up, but the thunder was just so LOUD and scary, I didn't want to leave her. I fell asleep again, and we slept together for three and a half hours! Her usual nap time is about two hours. Sleepy us!

We decided to get a room at a hotel just to take showers; I don't like to leave my dog alone overnight, so we are back home to sleep for the night. At the hotel, we went to the pool and swam for an hour and had a wonderful time. I just felt so happy, in the warm water with my baby in my arms smiling and laughing and splashing.

Now, of course, I'm up when I should be sleeping. So I better get to bed, lots more chasing to do tomorrow!

Posted by JoAnna at 05:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

In each moment, you think you will remember everything. Every little breath and sigh, every smile, laugh, giggle. The way the light hits her little face, upturned nose, eyelashes fluttering. But nope. No. You won't.

So write everything down; jot down notes every time you can think of it. Like, today Bella walked up steps with me just holding her hand, for the first time. Very cool. Also, she is now giving fishy-face kisses where she sucks the sides of her mouth in and kisses you. She is also completely obsessed with "helping" in the kitchen, on a chair pulled up to the counter, wooden spoon in hand. She goes completely hysterical if you try to move her away. She also got up on the chair by herself (!!!!) today. My 16 month old girl!

What I remember from those days after she was born is so splotchy now, and you really do think you will remember it forever, this tiny creature in your arms! I remember feeling a little detached and out of it at first, I think I was a bit shell-shocked by the birth and the entire process. I couldn't concentrate on my baby because the cord was hurting me. My skin is soooo sensitive. I remember nursing for the first time and thinking that it would all go fine, we would be fine together. Ha!

I remember sleeping with her on my belly; I was scared I'd drop her, or roll over on her, our bed was just not big enough for the three of us. (We got a new one.) I remember not being able to find a comfy position to nurse in at first; I wish I'd prepared better for that and will for the next baby. I remember sitting up in bed with a pillow on my lap to prop her up, and just crying; my back hurt so badly, I was so tired, and next thing I knew my nipples were bleeding. I remember fumbling to the bathroom with Bella in my red hotsling, in the dark, in the middle of the night. I was using the peri bottle to help with the soreness when I peed, and needed both hands. I remember being up in the middle of the night, sitting on the couch, nursing and watching VH1 and listening to videos. The Fray... "I stayed up with you all night..." That kind of resonated with me!

I remember... cheesecake! I had a homemade cheesecake that served as my go to meal for a while. Hey, fat and protein and homemade and calories in an easy to grab format; worked for me. (Again, something I'll plan for better next time!)

I remember days when my husband would come home and I would be sitting there with Bella asleep in my lap, unable to move, having to pee, wanting to just get up and WALK, and handing her to him... "TAKE THIS BABY."

I remember so many tears shed over my low supply, taping the SNS to my breast and the awful rash I got from the tape. (Yep, tried eight hundred kinds of tape. Sensitive skin!) Formula dribbles all over my couch, me, the baby... everything. Evil SNS, how I hate/love you. My poor skinny baby, cannot even think of her being so thin and everyone saying "Oh, she is fine." Fine NOW, at a chunky 32 lbs! She is not destined to be a lil' petite thing, that is all.

The memories are just so fleeting. I lie in bed with her and hold her so close and kiss her and kiss her because I just sometimes want to freeze the moment, so precious, holding her in my arms. Soon she will be running away from me, embarrassed by me, telling me I don't understand her, and oh please just don't ever let her say she hates me. My heart might just break, even though I know it's a teen thing. I don't think I could take it. It's hard for me to look ahead, or look back, and even looking right at her sometimes I feel like my heart is going to just straight up explode out of my chest, her beauty and wonder and... awe.

However, none of the above means that I didn't want to throw her beautiful self right out the fucking window last night when she wouldn't stop mauling my tits!! I guess I mother to extremes.

Posted by JoAnna at 04:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Just an ordinary day...

Bella dumped a whole coke into the toybox while I had my back turned for a second, covering about a zillion and ten toys with sticky coke. *sigh* That's what I get for drinking a coke in the first place!

She spun and spun and spun. She loves to spin. She practiced throwing her ball. She kind of holds it up and then drops it and it sorta bounces away from her but we say "YAY!" And she is so proud.

She did the downward dog, rinse lather repeat.

She fed mommy cheerios and laughed like crazy.

She was tickled and kissed bunches and bunches.

She practiced her new words... UH, which means UP. She walks over to the couch and goes, very LOUDLY, UH UH UH! She is also saying TA for Tramp and DA for down. Because I am constantly telling the dog... "Tramp, go lay down!" So she goes TA DA TA DA! She also says BALL quite clearly and balls are her FAVORITE thing. She went nuts over a head of cabbage at the grocery store going "BALL BALL" so I gave it to her. Now I need a good cabbage recipe.

She only took a 45 minute nap, leaving me a bit shellshocked by the time Charlie got home... and then, lil' stinker would not go to sleep! So Daddy took her for a drive and returned a half hour later with a passed out girl. You know what is funny? She goes to sleep better for him than me. If he wears her or drives her, she zonks right out... not so with me. She also won't take a bottle from me unless we are lying down in bed together. But she will from Daddy!

Posted by JoAnna at 07:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Friday night my husband told me he'd take care of Bella overnight. So I took two benadryl to conquer my insomnia and went to bed. I was dimly aware of Bella's night wakings, but I still got more sleep than I have in months! I was still tired in the morning so I took a nap with her when she went down for her morning nap.

Then we got up and went to the Gaithersburg Water Park! That place *rocks!* I loved it! Charlie and I took turns going on the waterslide Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy We bounced Bella around in the water and she had a blast! I wore her in my watersling without even a second glance from any of the lifeguards.

We stopped for subs on the way home, ate lunch and then put Bella down for her nap. She zonked out! The park tired her out Very Happy All that sunshine Very Happy (But no burning, California Baby came through!)

While she was down for her nap, I got ready to go... to the Simpsons Movie! I went and saw it all by myself while she was sleeping. I had popcorn and soda and the movie was *hilarious!*

I came home and Charlie and I made dinner on the grill with big delicious salads.

I took a bath with Bella and got her ready for bed and told Charlie to go see the movie! So he went while I put her to sleep and then I hung out playing online waiting for him to get back so we could talk about it Very Happy

It was just a perfect day, start to finish. Of course last night Bella was up and down and up and down and now I'm exhausted again, and she took a too short nap this morning and now is Miss Crankypants, but still... that one perfect day!

Posted by JoAnna at 03:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I post on a LOT of message boards. Mainstream mommy boards, diaper boards, babywearing boards... I am a super fast reader, and a fast typer. I don't post a lot on all these boards, but I do post some on a lot. I have a signature line on most of them, and usually I say something like... "babywearing, home birthing, AP, pro-vax mama." I throw the pro-vax in there because I feel like a lot of people think that once you get into the AP/NFL side of things, being pro-vax is not even an option. I want people to know that it IS.

I saw someone very mainstream post that they let their children cry it out, they "container-ize" their kids (I never heard that term before but apparently it refers to heavy use of baby gear like swings and bouncer seats), and by God they vaccinate their kids too!

I found this statement so dismaying because there are some clear differences here. There is actual research which shows the damage that can be done by letting babies cry it out. And there is an entire body of medical research which support the safety of vaccination. It bothers me that people would think automatically that CIO = pro-vax and co-sleeping = anti-vax. As if the world is so easy to delineate.

I hope I can at least make people think and realize that some things DO definitely go together... like breastfeeding and co-sleeping, which oh so naturally flow together(but don't *have* to go together)... and some things don't necessarily, like homebirth and vaccination status. You *can* pick and choose what is best for your family and I hope people can do so based on reality and research vs. perception and prejudice.

Posted by JoAnna at 09:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

A few weeks ago I was at Target with Bella, and we took the elevator. I had her carseat in the cart (not much room to shop, LOL), and had Bella in a sling, and just didn't want to attempt the escalator (they have a special one for carts) with all that going on. So anyways, we're in the elevator and there is another mama there with her baby in a pram. She asked how old Bella was; I replied that she was 10 weeks. Her baby was also 10 weeks. Super cute baby, snoozing happily in a pram.

I decided later to pick up some extra formula as long as I was there. Now usually I do not buy the formula, because I hate buying it. My husband buys it. But I figured, I was there, I could save him a trip. So I go to the formula aisle, and there is that other mama buying formula.

So how the heck is it that I want to whip my boob out right then and there to breastfeed my baby... when *I* am buying formula TOO?

I have been trying really hard to stop judging formula feeding moms. After all, I now feed formula, though it is not my choice. I am trying to see all those other moms as versions of myself... women who wanted to breastfeed but were unable. But I keep coming up on the "But's." But, she probably just didn't have good support. But, she probably didn't really try. But, she probably did not get help from a lactation consultant. But, she probably did not get a second opinion from another lactation consultant.

What BS! Who the heck do I think I am?

I am a lactivist who has to buy formula, that's who I am. So I'm having an identity crisis. I feel shame buying formula and I *hate* feeding Bella a bottle in public. I will always try to nurse first, in public, and give the bottle afterwards, even though that is reverse for us... usually we do the bottle first, nurse after. (Though lately we use the Lact-Aid almost exclusively, so that is not an issue. Bella doesn't want to take bottles from me now.)

Among my family, it is not better, it is worse. They are all *so* mainstream, and all I want (aside from to be able to breastfeed exclusively) is to be a good advocate for breastfeeding. By the simple act of breastfeeding! I was at my niece's birthday part last week and my SIL's sister asked when I'd be giving Bella cereal. The funny thing is I'd been bf'ing basically the entire time I'd been there. I guess Bella was feeling a bit nervous about the group, because she latched on, snoozed and stayed latched on happy as a clam for over an hour. My pat response was going to be that I didn't know how I'd get cereal in my boobs anyways. But I had to bite my tongue; I *do* give her bottles. I could give her cereal if I wanted.

A few days ago on one of our few, wonderfully glorious warm spring days I was at an outdoor shopping center and it was mama-central. I saw so many bottlefeeding moms, and I breastfed almost the whole time. It's so much easier; I cannot imagine that so many mamas have the types of problems I have, these women are choosing formula. (I can tell formula vs. breastmilk in a bottle from a mile away.) I just cannot imagine choosing it. Formula burps alone are horrendous enough to turn anyone to breastmilk!

Formula just tastes awful. I feel guilt over every little thing apparently, and giving my baby something to drink which I find nasty is just one more thing.

See? Identity crisis.

I'm grateful formula exists, because my baby needs it. But I hate needing it and wish I didn't.

Posted by JoAnna at 11:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

So I went to the midwife for my six week appt yesterday and it was
just not a good appointment. I am still all swollen inside and I got
into an argument with her over whether or not I had stitches in my
perineum. I did NOT. Not only do I know where the stitches were
exactly (I could feel them with my fingers, looked in the mirror while
she was stitching, she had to actually nip a piece of my flesh off
that didn't get stitched up, talked about it with the birth assistant
who did the actual stitching), but I had my husband checking me every
day or so to make sure I was healing correctly. So he knows what was
there, too! (Bet he never thought he'd be an OB in training! LOL!)
There were no stitches in my perineum! There may have been one tiny
one... maybe??? I had a lump there, but last time I was there I asked
about this lump (tiny, hard, wierd, foriegn feeling), and she said it
was a pimple. OK I have never had a pimple on my perineum in my life!
But whatever!

The birth assistant wasn't there yesterday and apparently was vague in
her notes about *where* I tore. While I was being stitched up, the
midwife was examining Bella, weighing, etc. So she didn't see. But
wtf does this woman think this great big glob of swelling inside me is
from anyways????

She said, btw, for that swelling... "Give it six months." UGGGHHHH.

AND I have an infection (vaginosis), oh joy of joys...which I bet I
got from taking sitz baths which I did not want to take anyways! So
now I'm on antibiotics. :(

I have *loved* my experience with my midwives up until this whole
stitching debacle but now I feel... angry and kind of violated. Like
how could she not know exactly what happened to me, and how could she
argue with me and tell me I'm wrong about what was stitched where
inside of myself!

Meanwhile, Bella is still only weighing 8lbs. How is she not gaining
weight? WTF, WTF, WTF! I am making an appt to take her in and get
checked out but talk about freaking out! This child is attached to my
boobs 24/7 and NOT gaining? What is wrong with me???? :( :( :(

Posted by JoAnna at 04:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Actually I suppose to a certain extent I've always been a skeptic. I like to have proof. I love facts, scientific studies, research. I like to know whether a thing is TRUE or not.

I remember several years ago I found the urban legends website Snopes. I was *dismayed* as I read legend after legend... so many things I believed to be true, which everyone knew were true, were in fact... NOT TRUE.

Ever since, I've been using the Internet to verify things for me. Of course you have to be careful of your sources on the Internet... I mean, you cannot use Billy Bob's website as a reliable source. (In my post about mattress wrapping, I point out that all the proponents of mattress wrapping are just random people who have NO PROOF that it does anything whatsoever. ) But my background in journalism helps me find things which I believe to be reliable. Also you can usually verify a reliable fact more than once, on more than one site or news article.

But I love the natural living communities. Attachment parenting makes so much sense to me. Breastfeeding to me seems so simple, so logical! I am not sure how I feel about co-sleeping, except that I am not against it and plan to see how it works for me and my family. Birthing at home not only seems safer and so much more comfortable, but there is ample proof to show that walking into a hospital to give birth increases so many risks to you and your baby, that I don't even need to debate it.

But then I see things in the natural living communities which honestly make me feel a little scared and like I am way, way on the outside.

Like, the Bill Gates killing babies thing. Or, that HIV is a myth. Or that all vaccines kill babies and that anyone who is pro-vax is pro-killing babies. Or that you should wrap your mattress against all the toxic fumes it emits. That there is a global genocide in progress, coordinated with every government in the world, to use vaccines to kill babies. That big Pharma makes more money from us being dead than they would if we lived. (???) That autism is caused by vaccines. Honestly it goes on and on, and it makes it hard for me to believe a lot of what I read about.

This site might be becoming where I hash these things out while I try to figure out for myself what is true and not true, what is valid and what is just jumping at shadows. Frankly I think there are enough real concerns for parents to have, that jumping at shadows like toxic mattresses are a waste of our energy. But I suppose we'll see how it evolves...

Posted by JoAnna at 07:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)